Here are some stupid questions people ask me alot, since i started UBB hacking and support last Feb. I always try sarcasm with my answers unless the person is serious or brand new to versions and stuff.

Q: How do i use winzip?
A: Thanks for asking. Goodbye.

Q: What is UNIX and can i run it off my 56k?
A: UNIX stands for United Nations Internet eXchanger and it is illegal to run it unless you have a license.

Q: Nothing happens when i run the file from the location bar
A: Whats the URL?
R: http://www.mydomain.com/ubb6beta7_9.zip
A: Oh boy, there in full force.

Q: Yo where can i download UBB6 beta 4?
A: Yo, try a spider crawling your site. He might give you an idea.
(He actually asked me where he could find it)

Q: a/s/l
A: 950/probly/ubbcodehacking.com

Q: Hey MM, do you OWN a UBB?
A: No. I license one.

Q: How can I learn UBB?
A: Buy UBB for dummies.

Q: Hey mm i like your hacks but how do i install it at once is it easy enough?
A: Hey you need to load the file and then edit as needed so stop asking dumb questions and get rid of the run on sentences.

Q: Do i need CGI to run UBB?
A: *pause*

Q: Can i compile UBB into C or C++?
A: I dont know, CAN you?

Q: Hey MM. Whats up? Want to send me UBB?
A: Sure. Here ya go.
Action: I sent him a ZIP file with blank files, the filenames were the same, but contained nothing but the Perl path. Ultimate.cgi forwarded him and his visitors to a site opening millions of windows on his computer. It was funny.



-MM-

[ March 10, 2001: Message edited by: MasterMind ]

More proof that stupidity beats hydrogen hands down for the most common element in the universe prize..... just a pity you cant use stupidity to run a car.....

LOL

My tale is a bit old now.. A customer told me on the phone (for 1 hour) how much he knew about computers. Finally he bought one from me, and then jabberred for 45 more minutes again how much he knew and the first prob with the system, he'd be back for his money. I waved goodbye and ordered a double JD & 7..

He called the next day, (I didn't really need to have the phone near my ear) and said the machine was junk and he wanted his money
back as the system wouldn't even read his diskette. I told him no prob, bring it in. When he arrived he showed me the disc..

Ahem it was a 5 1/4 disk, he read "Remove diskette from it's sleeve, and insert in the drive" he took apart the 5 1/4 disc and removed the circular media from the black plactic housing and tried to insert it and access the disk..

I bit my toungue, and replied.."You're good"
After which his son looked at him, (pondering how he had enough smarts to walk upright) and said "Geeeez Dad" and walked away snickering..

He took the machine back home and never called again..

LOL!

UBB for dummies? Is that the yellow book with the propellorhead guy on the cover?


Ok, my UBB for dummies story.

Remember a while ago when someone posted here how to get a free UBB? And our Kristi responded that Brett is a disgruntled employees, email him? The mail came flooding in! Brett responded to one from the piracy address, with full digital signature included, asking for the guys ftp info. The guy sent it! Needless to say Brett did not touch it but the email he sent to this guy was blistering!

I remember one time he found a warez site and called the kids Mom! That had me laughing so hard I was shedding tears.

Back when I used to work for a small ISP in Mass the calls I used to get were unbelievable. I had one guy call asking me to help him setup his dialup networking. At every step he would dissappear and I would hear him running back and forth. After 15 minutes of this I asked him "why are you running around, isn't the phone near the computer?" "No" he says. So I tell him there is a second port on his modem to plug the phone into it.

This made him pause for a while. I can almost hear him thinking and I already know what comes next.

"But how will that work" he says.

Yup, he had not yet realized that you have to plug the modem into a phone line in order for it to work.

Guys like that didn't really bother me though. He had never used a computer and had no way of knowing.

The ones that got to me are the ones that would call asking me to change their password. I always let them pick their username and password mind you. Someone would call and ask to change their username and password, then I would see on the monitor the same person try 15 or 20 times to log in with the old username or password. Then naturally I get the irate phone call. Those are the folks that used to get under my skin.

No that's that one with Navaho on the cover

The time that Brett called the kid's mom was probably the most hysterical thing I had ever, EVER witnessed. When Nav told me that Brett really did call (we had been joking about it in the SK mod forum), we we dying.

Another funny thing that Brett did.... Last July when I was up at the Infopop offices, Brett was showing me some of the cool tools he uses in his pursuits. While he was showing me, an email came in informing him of a guy that was pirating UBB via an auto responder. The web site stated that you just send an email to an address with UBB in the subject, and the server would send the file.

Brett was like "Let's see how truely stupid these people are...." and requested that the autoreponder send the file, to the [email protected] address. Sure enough, two minutes later, in came the zip file. Was amazingly funny. Brett's a character

--mark

Well now we know why 6.0 ain't outta beta yet..

LOL Couldn't resist!

Or the ones calling to say the puter doesn't work. "It's brand new and doesn't work.."
I run thru the check list, ask if it was turned on.. "ummmmm, oh.... long pause.. BYE!"

"Folks we are rapidly coming to the end of civilization as we know it.." David Letterman

[ March 10, 2001: Message edited by: C_P ]

I updated my post. Read the others i found.

You forgot to add:

Q: Hey Gary, what's your name?
A: *sigh*

hahaha!!!

A friend of mine told me this, he worked at a support for employees at a bank.

An old lady calls, the computer locks up when she has too many windows opened. So he tells her to restart the comp, which she does. Then he says "Open the windows". Long pause and he could hear *click* *click* *click*... She came back and he asked what she did?? Her answer: "I opened the windows like you told me to!"

A guy calls, he says the coffee cup holder is broke. My friend is very confused, a cup holder? "This is a support for computer related problems!" "I know" says the guy, "I pressed the little button on my computer and the cup holder came out but I cant use it since its broke, can you help me??"

Some people shouldnt own computers

aleina

User: what does mysql_num_rows do
JohnM: it returns the number of returned rows in a mysql result handle you pass to it
User: yeah ok but what table does it load from?
JohnM: um, it returns the number of rows in the result handle
User: but now how does it know which table to return the rows from?

C_P will relate to the next two. Both happened to me on a daily basis while at that little ISP. It was hard remembering that things we take for granted are things that are so complex for someone who has never before sat at or used a computer.

"Ok sir, just go to that link we just typed in and download that file, then go to where you downloaded it and double click it"

(half hour pause while it downloads then customer calls back - nav plays Solitaire out of boredom)

"OK, I think it is downloaded."

"Great! Alright, now go to where you downloaded it and double click on it."

"Where did I download it to?"

-------------------------

"Ok Sir, now just double click Setup.exe."

"I don't have Setup.exe., I have two files named setup though."
(pause while nav realizes hide file extensions for known types is default)

"Ok, you see the one that looks like a jar with paint brushes?"

"Yes, I already clicked on it and this nice picture came up. Is my program installed?"


My all time favorite was this guy, Greg (no relation ~MM~).
Greg was our resident PITA. If you could find a way to screw up dialup networking he found it. He would call on a daily basis to get help putting his settings back. One day Greg decides it's our fault and not his that he canot stay connected so he signs up for an MCSE course. A week after he buys his MCSE ( I say buys because he took a cram course but retained nothing after he took his tests) he calls us berating us because our company is using that inferior thing, that "UNIX" thing, and we should be an entirely Microsoft company because our users are all Microsoft users. I took the call on that one and have to admit it made me speechless. I was elbows deep again in our WinNT mail server, looking at our two WinNT DNS servers and our WinNT webservers in total astonishment. The next week Greg calls back. He has installed WinNT (took him a week) and has not a clue in the world how to setup dialup networking.

I thought you said NO relation to Mastermind?

ahahaha!
lol some people are sooooooo stupid!
i mean can you belive it.......THEY HAVE INSTRUCTIONS FOR HOW TO TAKE HALLS MENTHOLUPTUS? (cant spell)
i mean come on!

[ March 11, 2001: Message edited by: Jigga-Master ]

Watch it...

haha, This one is pretty good. Those are really funny MasterMind.

Arrrrgggghhh!!!! Evil!!!

Well now that I've stopped laughing hard enough that I can type....

GREAT job Elliot!!!

I just wet myself!

Great job Borg!

Now that is funny!

May I have permission ot post this on our intranet?

Sure. Use the high wuality image from here if bandwidth isn't an issue on the intranet.

Thanks go out to Cal for sending me the photo of nav.


PS. Brett phoning the kids mom: LMAO! That must have been soooo great to hear!

[ March 11, 2001: Message edited by: Borg ]

LOL

A woman called and said her drive (3.5) was making noise. I asked her to come in and we'd check it out. She brought her computer in accompanied by her young son. (maybe 5)

I removed the case heard the noise, removed the drive, and found, and paint brush, a bobby pin, a paperclip, a makeup brush..

She was blown away and looked at her young son as if to scold him, I spoke up.."Hey he see's you sticking things in there.." With that said she just laughed and gave him a hug..

BTW the cupholder call happened to a tech at Compaq! (Rep told me)

And for Borg.."... it's crashed more times than a ZedX computer"

LOL Hmmmm Nav looks like Mic Foley huh.. Scarey thought..

A lotta these kinds of things happen to me, I'll just say one of the most recent. This is one whole situation .

Q. Can you help me with my ubb?
A. I don't know, can I?
Q. I don't know, this is my prob.
A. (I help this person out)
Q. I see you have ubb6, where can i get that?
A. If your year of free updates isn't up, all you have to do is log onto the members area and download it.
Q. Well...the problem is...I kinda don't have a license.
A. Can I see your website?
Q. Yes
...then nothing happens

I think the person figured out what would happen

I posted this on our intranet along with the UBB6 cd from a few weeks ago (my desktop wallpapper now). Big hit!!

Very funny Elliot...