hee hee

At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses. They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses...."

I like Allen's joke better.

Hey MI, are you the same who was a moderator here before?

*One for the ladies........

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!" The husband says, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out......."

A man walks into a crowded restaurant, after a long days work. The host stops him after he enters and tells him that he cannot be seated without a tie.

The man protest, telling the host that he does not have a tie.

The host tells him that he is sorry but he will not be able to seat him.

Tired and hungry, the man goes out the door and informs the host that he will be right back. Outside the man searches frantically for a tie or anything that resembles a tie in his car. He searches the trunk and finds a set of jumper cables. He quickly ties them around his neck and enters the restaurant once again.

He looks at the host and ask, "Will this do?".

The host replies, "I guess so...just don't start anything while you are here."

Irish Declare War!!

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

God Bless the Irish!!

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

He said, "You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct ... but how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're flippin' ugly."

Wow, fancy Allen telling a joke like that...

Saddam's "doubles" are all gathered in a room for a meeting regarding the latest attack on their beloved leader...an official walks into the room and starts off by saying "I have some good news, and some bad news."

"The good news is that Saddam Hussein has survived this latest attack...The bad news is that he lost an arm."

Haha, good one

Saddam sends one of his sons to the fish and chip shop, because he's too scared to leave his palace in case he's spotted. He gives his son his order. Sonn after, his son returns to the palace with the fish and chips, but he's carrying everything in his hands. Saddam says, "Wait a minute, Son, why are you carrying the food like that?" His son replies, "There's no bag, dad."

(If you don't get it, read the last part out aloud )

Yeah, it's an old one, but I think it's still pretty funny

One morning a woman and her baby was taking public transportation. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow! That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman deeply hurt slammed her money in the box, continued onto the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.

The man asks "What's wrong, you look mad?"

She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

"That's outrageous! You shouldn't take that from him" the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I were you I would take down his badge number and report him."

"You're right sir I think I will report him." replied the lady.

The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder.

The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him. After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and he had just been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over six years!"

Two young boys were walking to school. The older of the two wanted to get to school early enough to play before the bell rang, as the school had a new swing. The younger boy asked how he would get to school any fatser than they did any other day, having walked this route over and over each day. The older boy replied, "I will cut across the bull pasture, and arrive at school at least 20 minutes early", which was plenty of time to play on the new swing. The younger boys eyes flew open wide, at the thought of facing such a mean spirited animal as the bull. "You can't" he cried "You'll get hurt or worse.." "Nonsense" said the older boy, and hopped the fench and made his way across the field. The younger boy watched in horror as the bull went straight for the older boy and "butted" him in the behind with his horn. The younger boy ran down the path and into the school house, screaming for the teacher. "Teacher Teacher" The teacher ran up to the younger boy and inquired as to why he was yelling so. The younger boy replied "Billy cut arcoss the bull pasture and the Bull butted him in the ass..." The teacher was flusterd and said "Tommy, you shouldn't say ass you should say rectum" Tommy replied "rectum hell, he damned near killed him!"

Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation - the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost - water vapor in the air becoming a solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.

Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas (expecting "dry ice" as the answer), a previously unknown section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word "burrito."

It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.

A tough old cowboy told his grandson that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110. He left four children, 20 grandchildren, 30 great-grandchildren, 10 great-great-grandchildren and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage
loaded in the limo (and His Holiness doesn't
travel light), the driver notices that the
Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence." says the driver,
"Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"


"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope,
"They never let me drive at the Vatican, and
I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose
my job! And what if something should happen?"
protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone
to work that morning. "There might be something
extra in it for you," says the Pope.


Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as
the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The drive
quickly regrets his decision when, after
exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors
it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph."Please
slow down, Your Holiness!!!," pleads the
worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal
to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license,"
moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the
window as the patrolman approaches, but
the cop takes one look at him, goes back
to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to
the dispatch. The Chief gets on the radio
and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.
"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?
"Bigger."
"Governor."
"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I don't know", said the cop, "but he's
got the Pope driving for him."

ROFL Everyone!

Thanks for the Laughs!!

Kristi

Here's one i came across of the other night(evidentally a true story).

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.

"Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?"

"I dunno," said the second. "Let's find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waited and waited, but didn't hear it hit bottom.

"Hmm. Let's try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn't hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.

While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they'd seen a goat.

"Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up and jumped down this hole."

"Oh, well then it couldn't have been my goat," said the third guy. "My goat was tied to an old railroad tie."

"What happened to you?" asked the bystander to the man lying on the sidewalk outside the beauty parlor.

The man shook his head groggily and rubbed his bruised chin. "Last thing I remember was my wife came out of that beauty salon. I took a look at her and said, 'Well, Honey, at least you tried,' and I don't remember anything after that."

HEH! I'd be missing my lower half if I said that one...

"I have good news and bad news," the defence attorney told his client.

"First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

"Oh, no!" cried the client. "Well, what's the good news then?"

"Your cholesterol is only 140."

umm, ok...

This topic is still going on? Think I last posted in it over two years ago...

Here have a crappy joke:
A neutron walks into a bar, and orders a drink. When he goes to pay, the bartender stops him and says "for you, no charge!".

[Though it's so bad it may have already been posted ]

Two blondes sitting on a park bench are discussing one of the major truths of life. One says to the other:

"Which is further away - the moon, or Florida?"

With only a slight pause the other replies:

"Hell-loooo! Can you see Florida from here?"

Not bad lol

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says "smoking a joint, come on up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "what's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says "dannnnng dooooood.......how much water did you drink?!!"

I donno, allen telling a joke about a monkey and a joint pretty much ruined any jokes on thsi thread for me lol...

My wife sent it to me

I think it was funnier seeing you posting about a joint and a monkey rather than reading to get the punchline...

THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHTSTAND

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

HEH!!

hi every1 im new to this website so say hi plz!!!

hi every1!!!!

hello

howdy wonder kid

ummm oi...

The entrance opens, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure ! in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

now that's funny, I don't care who you are

that's great

I fell on the floor

this professor must have been very bored or have a lot of time to do that experiment.

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor".
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Understanding Engineers


Two engineering students were crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two:
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three:
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Four:
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Five:
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries
with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six:
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven:
"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it." Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight:
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."


Understanding Engineers - Take Nine:
An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Now On To Golfers:

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Why I Didn't Show Up For Work....

"I had twelve bottles of whiskey in my cellar, and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each bottle down the sink... or else. So I said I would, and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the drain with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass which I drank; pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out ot the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drank and drinked the pour. When I had every one emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, and glasses, and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again and finally had all the houses in one bottle which I drank.

I was not under tho alcofluence of incohol, as some theople pink I was.

I was not as thunk as you might drink. I felt so feelish, I didn't know who was me, and the drunker I stood there the longer I got."

Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys PC 370.00


370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.

370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or dead-falls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.

370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.

370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.

370.05 It is unlawful to shout: "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.

370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.

370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.

370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.

370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

370.10 Bag and Possession Limits per day:

• Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2.
• Two-faced tortfeasors, 1.
• Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3.
• Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2.
• Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4.

Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act).

ARS 8007.21
It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.

A blind man finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 180-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you really wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah.......... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."