UBB.Developers Forums General Discussion Chit Chat Worlds Funniest Joke (According to MSN)

Famed fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his gruff assistant Doctor Watson pitch their tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson awake and questions him.

HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.

WATSON: I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there might also be life.

HOLMES: Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent.

bah... english people! :rolleyes:

It's not English Humour,
for good humour go here-
Wando\'s Rubber Room
go to the really early posts, set format to show all posts and go to pages 11 & 12!

LMAO!

---Jamin

This isn't the funniest joke according to MSN, though. Some professor did a survey of 10,000 people in order to find this out.

That wasn't too funny but it deserved a giggle.

My english teacher said that Holmes was a drug addict.

your english teacher is awesome.

That supposedly world's funniest joke according to a professor didn't even raise a smile from me, it was that lame!
Is there anyone else with the same response?

Here's a decent one :

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

Personally, I liked 'em both.

It may be funny, but it's not the funniest joke. It just created a small smile on my face, that's all.

here's another decent one

(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

Matt, he didnt say ILLEGAL, he said DRUG addicted, to which that statement is correct.

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean? I'm fine."

"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"

"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

Haha, good one Allen

A guy walks into a pub and asks the bartender for a steak and kidney pie. "Sure," he says, and gives the guy the pie. The guy pays him, puts the pie on his head and leaves. The bartender looks confused.

The next day the guy walks into the pub again and asks the bartender for another steak and kidney pie. "OK," he says, and gives the guy the pie. The guy pays him, puts the pie on his head and leaves. The bartender still looks confused. "I'll ask him what this is all about tomorrow," he says.

The next day the guy walks into the same pub and asks the bartender for another steak and kidney pie. "Sorry, mate, we're sold out," he says. "Oh, OK... Then can I have some salt & vinegar crisps, please?" "OK," says the barman. Just as the guy was about to leave, the barman asked, "Hey, why have you put those crisps on your head?" The guy replies, "Cause you've got no steak and kidney pies left."

(Groan)

Haha. That was actually quite funny AA.

Taken from Hardware-pacers.com:
>>John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out. The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the Mental Hospital, as he considered him to be OK. The Doctor said, "We have good news and bad news for you, David! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient whom you saved, Mr. John, hung himself in the bathroom, and died." David replied, "Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry.." <<

hee hee

At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses. They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses...."

I like Allen's joke better.

Hey MI, are you the same who was a moderator here before?

*One for the ladies........

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!" The husband says, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out......."

A man walks into a crowded restaurant, after a long days work. The host stops him after he enters and tells him that he cannot be seated without a tie.

The man protest, telling the host that he does not have a tie.

The host tells him that he is sorry but he will not be able to seat him.

Tired and hungry, the man goes out the door and informs the host that he will be right back. Outside the man searches frantically for a tie or anything that resembles a tie in his car. He searches the trunk and finds a set of jumper cables. He quickly ties them around his neck and enters the restaurant once again.

He looks at the host and ask, "Will this do?".

The host replies, "I guess so...just don't start anything while you are here."

Irish Declare War!!

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

God Bless the Irish!!

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

He said, "You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct ... but how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're flippin' ugly."

Wow, fancy Allen telling a joke like that...

Saddam's "doubles" are all gathered in a room for a meeting regarding the latest attack on their beloved leader...an official walks into the room and starts off by saying "I have some good news, and some bad news."

"The good news is that Saddam Hussein has survived this latest attack...The bad news is that he lost an arm."

Haha, good one

Saddam sends one of his sons to the fish and chip shop, because he's too scared to leave his palace in case he's spotted. He gives his son his order. Sonn after, his son returns to the palace with the fish and chips, but he's carrying everything in his hands. Saddam says, "Wait a minute, Son, why are you carrying the food like that?" His son replies, "There's no bag, dad."

(If you don't get it, read the last part out aloud )

Yeah, it's an old one, but I think it's still pretty funny

One morning a woman and her baby was taking public transportation. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow! That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman deeply hurt slammed her money in the box, continued onto the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.

The man asks "What's wrong, you look mad?"

She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

"That's outrageous! You shouldn't take that from him" the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I were you I would take down his badge number and report him."

"You're right sir I think I will report him." replied the lady.

The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder.

The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him. After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and he had just been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over six years!"

Two young boys were walking to school. The older of the two wanted to get to school early enough to play before the bell rang, as the school had a new swing. The younger boy asked how he would get to school any fatser than they did any other day, having walked this route over and over each day. The older boy replied, "I will cut across the bull pasture, and arrive at school at least 20 minutes early", which was plenty of time to play on the new swing. The younger boys eyes flew open wide, at the thought of facing such a mean spirited animal as the bull. "You can't" he cried "You'll get hurt or worse.." "Nonsense" said the older boy, and hopped the fench and made his way across the field. The younger boy watched in horror as the bull went straight for the older boy and "butted" him in the behind with his horn. The younger boy ran down the path and into the school house, screaming for the teacher. "Teacher Teacher" The teacher ran up to the younger boy and inquired as to why he was yelling so. The younger boy replied "Billy cut arcoss the bull pasture and the Bull butted him in the ass..." The teacher was flusterd and said "Tommy, you shouldn't say ass you should say rectum" Tommy replied "rectum hell, he damned near killed him!"

Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation - the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost - water vapor in the air becoming a solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.

Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas (expecting "dry ice" as the answer), a previously unknown section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word "burrito."

It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.

A tough old cowboy told his grandson that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110. He left four children, 20 grandchildren, 30 great-grandchildren, 10 great-great-grandchildren and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.